Public Issues with Private Matter.

The term “public toilet” never made sense to me. The toilet business is by definition private (after all, making defecating private marks the success and advance of our civilization), how could it be public? But it is public indeed – in a public toilet. 
The first public toilet I used was in a public school. The school was well build and very old, the toilet style preserved from the historic times – a sturdy concrete floor with 3 holes in it. The holes had 2 bricks on each side where you were supposed to step on to do your business.
The girls who used this toilet had a hard time aiming at the holes and some of them just stopped trying. There was no special toilet training at that school (although we had sports, chess and dancing classes). But this was the kind of toilet that required some serious training and excellent skills at holding one’s balance and hole-to-hole coordination. 
The older lady who was supposed to clean the toilets was the retired mother of the school’s director. She got the job through personal connections and was not into professional pride and all that stuff. She would enter the toilet leaving a bucket and broom outside, look over the damage on the concrete floor and pull out a bag with disinfectant, a white strong smelling powder which she would diligently pour over the holes and anything else that needed disinfection. She was guided by the simple, obvious principle: “if it is white, it is clean” and would march out of the toilet leaving it looking like a snow covered meadow.
Only the desperate would brave entering the toilet which was like entering a chlorine gas chamber – you chocked and you hoped to live long enough to relieve yourself. The concrete floor soaked in piss and the white powder was slippery. Slowly you’d skate/slide towards the Coveted Goal – the Hole which was to reprieve you of your Urinary or Intestinal Suffering. But anything could happen at any moment on this slippery ground, like, you could step into something and drag the trail of shit back into the classroom thus bringing your already low popularity levels to the new lows.
If you were lucky you’d reach the two bricks unsullied and you’d step on them. Whatever you do please don’t ever look down into the hole! Because I looked down once and was never the same. There, below the concrete floor, was a Glistening Ocean of Shit, impatiently waiting for me to slip, trip or fall. It was ready to open it’s pukeful mouth and swallow me like a delicious morsel covered in the white crust of useless disinfectant. 
If you had this kind of public toilet in school you didn’t need your parents to fuck you up.
A team of therapists and psychiatrists could make their entire careers trying to unravel the painful mysteries of your Sanitized Shitfearful Soul.
The funny thing was – I never saw a teacher to negotiate her way through the scatological mess to the hole. Either they had brought their own potties from home or their intestines were made of gold.
This experience had trained me to expand my intestines so I,  like a camel without drinking, could walk for days without using a public bathroom. 
Now, the term “public bathroom” – why, there is no bath in the room. And why there are no Rules of Conduct posted on the walls in those public bathrooms? It leaves me standing with confusion in front of the can. Can I sit on the seat? Or should I step on the rim and squat like a queen? 
In the country where I was from it was very obvious you couldn’t sit on the rim – it was so dirty you’d get STD from just looking at it. But in this country the white plastic seat looks deceitfully clean – till you sit on it and feel the drips of the liquid the person before you left there. That moment you really know what ‘public toilet’ means – for better or worse it is opening your knowledge that other people piss and shit just like you. We are all united with our basic needs, so love your intimates and love your enemies. Share.

About rocksinmypocketsthemovie

I was born in Latvia, educated in Moscow, live in New York. I have made about 14 animated shorts so far.
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6 Responses to Public Issues with Private Matter.

  1. Yes, I remember those horrible toilets, too! Very graphic (and accurate) description! 🙂 In popular language they are called the Lenin’s feet.
    Btw, the teachers had their own – civilized version – of a toilet, with a proper seat, etc. So, that’s where they did their business… 🙂

  2. Elliot Cowan says:

    I loath those horse shoe shaped toilets seats.
    The one with the little gap on the front.
    Your nut sack can drag over the porcelain with is either cold or disgusting or both.

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